RAMBLING

My mom recently asked me if I’d been writing anything lately and I was quick to respond “no,” soon followed by a resolute “I just don’t have anything to say.” And that’s how I’ve felt for most of the past three months. From time to time, I would get a great idea or feel inspired by an article I read or something I saw on TV. I would feel a glimmer of hope that a conversation or a thought would transform into something interesting and worth sharing. But, undoubtedly, the desire to dedicate more time to developing it was never there a few days later and the “worthiness” of the insight quietly faded from my mind. 

But this time I’m committing myself to following through—because it’s not that I don’t have anything to say. It’s that I don’t feel like I have anything worth saying, anything that’s not melodramatic and depressing, anything that hasn’t already been said before, anything that I can be viewed as an authority on. I take pride in being adventurous, independent, and optimistic rather than realistic. I’m all about following your excitement, chasing your dreams, and living an impassioned life. But I don’t feel like I’m doing that right now. Most days I don’t feel like I can give advice that I’m actually following. So what kind of hypocrite is still gonna write up a blog post telling you to be that way anyways?

Well, I guess THIS kind. Because I still believe in all that stuff. I still believe the risks are worth it. I still believe you should step outside your comfort zone. I still believe you should be kind and open-minded to people who are different from you. I still believe you should release that which is not serving you. I still believe you should appreciate everything you have and take pride in that which you have worked so hard to achieve. And I even still believe that if “that which you have worked so hard to achieve” is no longer meaningful and fulfilling to you, then you should move on to something else that is. 

And I know that that’s all easy for me to say—I’m recently out of college, usually gallivanting the world, working to make just enough to get by, and otherwise ignoring financial responsibilities for “the time of my life”. You may think that’s stupid and, who knows, maybe someday I’ll agree. But I don’t think so. Because in my “gallivanting” (or constant rebuilding of my life in new cultural contexts, however you wish to see it) I’ve had the opportunity to meet so many amazing people. Inevitably, the vast majority of those people inspire me and remind me that what I’m trying to do is exactly right. 

So I may not be doing all that I wish to do right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m in some woeful crisis either (contrary to half my thoughts on a daily basis). Admittedly, I feel more joy and pride when I’m living a life that is ambitious, challenging, and admirable. Still, that doesn’t mean I should put myself down for every moment in which I don’t feel like a hundred bucks. 

Unfortunately, we live in a world of constant comparison and judgment. So much so that we are often the first one to cast judgment upon ourselves “for the way others will see us”. Ironically, I doubt all that many people are critiquing us as harshly. Either way, I don’t think we were meant to live our lives in the comparative.  I’m personally far more intrigued with the interrogative—why am I doing this/feeling this/seeing it this way? What do I hope to accomplish? And what’s next?

I’ve been so hesitant to write a blog post these last few months because I don’t know the “right things” to say. And I feared it may come out “all over the place”—like this post is proving to be. But the truth is that I’ve been a scattered person lately and so that simply may not be avoidable at this place and time. I could address everything that’s causing me to feel that way but in doing so I always feel like I’m merely stewing in self-pity. Which is pathetic, because so many people are dealing with much worse on a daily basis and not batting an eyelash over it.

My life is filled with so many incredibly strong people. And so I want to make a shout-out and thank all of you. Honestly, I probably don’t even know the half of what most of my friends and family are going through, but you inspire me regardless. From cancer to depression to alcoholism to eating disorders to old age and everything in between. From the people who suffer in silence to the people who are there for others throughout everything they’re battling. I salute each and every one of you who faces these struggles head-on and who share your strength with others.

We’re all fighting a million battles a day, whether we recognize them or not. Everyone is on their own journey and while we may invite some people along for a stroll, we usually journey the hardest parts alone, on the inside. As much as we may think we do, we don’t truly know where anyone else is coming from or where they’re going. So be kind. Be patient. Be loving and forgiving. Listen when someone seeks you out. Listen harder when they don’t. We’re all coping in our own odd ways, just like we all succeed in our own odd ways. 

We’re all human in the sense that we have our good days and our bad. We’re blessed when we have someone to listen to our sad news and to celebrate the good. There’s nothing wrong with needing time to collect yourself, to reflect on things, to figure it all. I think the point at which it goes wrong is when we allow ourselves to continue to stagnate, to stop challenging, to become apathetic. But as long as we don’t abandon our values and give up on our goals, we will find our way back to them—regardless of how pointed or rambling we feel our path is. And I am rambling now, haha… but I’ll find my way back.