UNDECIDED

“I’m 100% certain that I am 0% sure of what I’m going to do.”

            The above quotation comes from a post-grad tumblr and was, unquestionably, written to be comical. While I can certainly see the humor in it, I look at it a little differently. And as of late, I have embraced this concept with full seriousness.

             In the past few weeks, I’ve become more and more aware of the peace that I’m finding in the unknown. Now, more than ever, I am undecided regarding what I want to do after this year but instead of that making me feel anxious, I’m excited. This time last year, I would make a joke about not knowing what I was doing after graduation. I would play the question off lightly merely to avoid creating room for others to judge my uncertainty. In retrospect, I don’t know how much anyone else really cared…I just know that the uncertainty made me feel uncomfortable and as though I were doing something “wrong.” You could blame American society, or the economic situation, or the environment I was in at Wesleyan, but the truth is that it wasn’t any of those things—it was the influence that I allowed them to have on me.

            Fortunately, somehow now that I’m here, I’ve allowed myself to let go of that. Being in a place where I’m surrounded by other people who are following their hearts is incredibly inspiring. Don’t get me wrong—there are plenty of people doing the same in the U.S., I just don’t feel like I come into contact with as many on such a regular basis. Or maybe their “heart paths” are so different from mine that I don’t recognize them. Or maybe we just don’t talk about it. Whatever the reason, being here right now is pushing me to try new things and think in different ways. It’s encouraging me to consider options I never thought were plausible for me. Sure, I knew plenty of people did the Peace Corp or Teach-for-America. I knew that in other countries I could get better accommodations and compensation to teach—allowing me to pay off loans and maybe even save money by doing this. I knew that there are dozens of other Spanish-speaking countries that I could work in…but I chose Spain and the CIEE program because, even though it was scary, it was the least scary of all the other options. 

            I don’t regret that choice for a minute. I know that the experience that I am having right now is invaluable and exactly what I needed at this point—the right next step for me. However, this experience is starting to make me think that that’s what it is: a step. Just one step in the grand scheme of my life! And that’s extremely different from how I looked at it before coming here. Originally, my thoughts were: “I’ll take one year to do something awesome, then come back and start my life.” But THIS is my life! I want to feel this inquisitive and inspired and challenged every day. I want to always feel like I have the time and capacity to think about things abstractly, to consider how I can make myself and my world better, to put those thoughts into practice. I don’t want to feel like that’s something unique to my time abroad; I want it to simply be a constant in my life. That being said, I don’t necessarily have to be in Spain to continue this path, but I need to stay excited and look for the next thing that still makes me feel this way. 

            To hell with “realistic”! In today’s society, we use that word interchangeably with “dull” and “unimaginative”. I don’t want to look for a job that will pay the bills; I want to figure out how to pay the bills while working a job that I love. A quotation of which I try to remind myself often says “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” I want to feel alive and love what I do, always. And not just love some aspect of it or feel like it “kinda fits” me. That’s the way things were at State Farm—I was pretty happy with my internship placement, I enjoyed my department and I really liked the people. The company had a good work environment and I loved feeling a part of the State Farm family. But does that mean it felt right? Not necessarily. 

            It means I felt comfortable. And that’s nice and all, but I’ll probably end up feeling comfortable anywhere I work, once I give it a bit of time. So I shouldn’t settle on the first place that made me feel that way. I am grateful to State Farm and the experience and support they gave to me. But at this point in my life, I don’t think that’s the right path for me. I need to continue to do that which pushes me outside of my comfort zone. That’s what is making me into the kind of person that I want to be.  That’s what will make me feel fulfilled. 

            I am extremely lucky to have the opportunity to live here Spain and to have means of supporting myself financially while still having amble time to explore, ponder, and self-discover. I love the time that I spend at my primary school and I am falling a bit in love with teaching. But I didn’t realize how much this year would be about me and figuring myself out. There are a million questions when it comes to that topic, and I know a million more will continue to pose themselves. But I’m excited that I’m beginning to answer a few. I’m also excited that the fact that there are so many unanswered questions in my life is becoming less scary and that I am learning to approach the unknown with curiosity instead of fear. 

I’m not completely there yet. I’m far from being fearless and I continue to worry far more than I should. But I’ve noticed little changes in myself and my ways of thinking and I know that if I continue in this direction they can have large, positive ramifications. That is an exhilarating realization. More often than not, these changes within us happen on a subconscious level and we are unable to see the process unfold. Because that has mostly been the case for me, I am so grateful to notice this shifting now and to be able to push myself and observe simultaneously, rather than in retrospect. I’m still unsure of where I’m going. But I’m 100% sure that I’m excited!