DOG DAYS

Usually I am moved to post a blog entry after some personal experience or musing brings me to the discovery of new insight. Usually it is a broad concept that I happen upon and hope to shed new light on through my writing. Although I would like to think that my topics inspire others to think differently and incorporate something new into their lives, in many cases the ideas I present may be too vague or intangible to know immediately how to make use of them.

Well today I have a very simple and very specific piece of advice to share: Play with your dog. Even when you don’t have time for it, just do it! It will make a world of a difference for both of you.

I know that I am in a very fortunate position right now in which I don’t have many commitments or time restraints and most of you have full-time jobs and/or are otherwise busy people. But with more stress in your lives, I feel the advice is all the more important. Others of you don’t even have dogs (and for this my heart goes out to you).  If that is the case and you were really looking for a no-thinking-required, applicable recommendation, I will not fault you for disregarding this piece. However, if you’re open to molding a sound bit of advice to fit your personal needs, I welcome you canine-less folk to stick around.  

As most know, I have shared the last eleven years of my life with one amazing chocolate lab. He is my nurse. He is my protector. He is my companion. He is my best friend. He means everything to me and I would long for him constantly during my time abroad. There was nothing I wanted more than to see his smiling face and wagging tail or to cuddle up next to him.

It’s easy to see how much you love a dog when he’s far away. The same way that it’s easy to give a lot of attention to a friend’s dog when you only see him once-in-a-blue-moon. On the contrary, when you are lucky enough to be around your best friend everyday you seem to forget how important he is.

You’re busy—we’ve all been there. He brings toys to you and jumps up on you when you’re in the middle of things that have to get done. Sometimes he even knocks stuff over and causes a mess. Sometimes he’s really needy and cries or barks till you yell at him to stop. Sometimes he follows your every move and it drives you insane. Sometimes he just doesn’t know when to give up.

You know why? Because “although he is but part of your world, you are his whole world.” Dogs are incredibly smart beings, but it’s really hard for them to understand why you can’t play right now. You’re his best friend. Why wouldn’t you wanna throw his ball or go on a walk when he does? What can be more important than that? As humans, we can probably think of quite a few answers to that question but I bet your dog can’t think of one.

I love Charlie being a part of my life, but often I take that for granted. I’m happy to throw around his toys when I think it’s time for that, but when I’m in the middle of something I tend to only half-pay attention to him and ignore him unless he comes up to me. Around dinnertime, however, I realized that that was all I had done today.

As I was filling up the sink to wash my dishes I felt a very intentional nudge from behind and there was Charlie and his (stuffed animal) flea. Usually I would coo over his toy, tug it a time or two, pat him on the head, and get on with my business. But something today told me otherwise. Today my intuition told me to turn off the water and truly play with his flea. I focused on that. I wasn’t thinking about what else had to get done and that he was taking up my time. Instead, this was Charlie’s time. Charlie and me and the flea.

We probably played for half an hour. I don’t know for sure—neither of us was counting. We eventually played with many more of his toys and we later went on a walk too. He was so genuinely happy. And I couldn’t get this ridiculous grin off my face. Up until that point it had been a pretty gloomy, unproductive rainy day but now I’m in this place where I couldn’t feel better!

He did this for me—and it was so easy, once I gave him the chance. All he asked for was attention and once I granted him that wish the happiness flowed between us. Maybe you think you don’t have any more time to waste like that, but I bet that you could make the time. And I promise you it won’t be a waste.

None of us want to think the terrible thought—but the truth is that one day our furry friends aren’t gonna be here anymore.  There’s not gonna be a water bowl that needs filling, a cold nose in your face early in the morning, or a toy nudged at your behind; so appreciate it while you can.

Play with his toys when he asks you. Talk to him lovingly. When you do that, look him in the eye—he knows the difference. Listen to him too—he’ll want to show you if something is wrong with him because he trusts you to take care of it. But he can’t do that unless you give him the chance. Take him on walks. Let him spend the extra time sniffing that one super-interesting bush. Let him run free and run fast. Take him for a swim. Cut up an apple just for him. Give him a treat for no reason. Only pull the shades down to dog-height (he likes to look out the windows, even at night). Say goodnight to him and tell him you love him. Those are the kinds of things that will make him fall asleep thinking “today was the BEST day,” yet they really don’t take that much from you.

Dogs are so much simpler than us. And yet there is so much we can learn from them.

ADVENTUROUS

You know that telling moment—you’re filling out a scholarship application, sitting in a job interview, or answering a Buzzfeed quiz—and up pops that dreaded question. “What three words would you use to describe yourself and why?” You panic for a moment. You figured it was coming, yet you held out hope that it wasn’t. How do people seriously expect you to summarize yourself in just three words? Even more mind-boggling, how do you begin to know which three words are the “right” words to hone in on? 

I mean, seriously, there are about a hundred different adjectives I could think of to describe myself with, and they change by the hour. Each one of them, in the moment, is true and yet would probably seem contradictory alongside another adjective I’d choose shortly thereafter. I’m a complex person, damnit, and I can’t begin to simplify myself into just a couple words. Furthermore, I’m in the midst of this self-discovery expedition commonly referred to as life and therefore I’m not all that sure who I am to begin with! It changes by the hour and becomes really difficult to pinpoint the parts of my personality that are lasting, not circumstantial. 

I can admit that in the past, when I’ve had to answer this question, I’ve fallen back on rather generic responses. Hardworking. Passionate. Loyal. I think they’re true and I can provide examples from my life to defend them. Yet there’s just something missing there. I couldn’t quite identify it but in conversations I’ve had over the past few months I’ve realized something huge… 

There is an incredible difference between the way I describe myself and the way others would choose to describe me. 

In each case, the topic was brought up in a completely different way and was not directly related to the comment interview question. However, I now have had three friends offer up their opinion and I found one word surface in every one of their summaries: adventurous. Maybe you’ll laugh at my lack of acceptance at first, but I was truly floored. I’ve never thought of myself as adventurous!

In my mind, I’ve always been a bit reserved—I was the girl who got rave reviews every year in my parent-teacher conferences, but my teachers constantly expressed that they wished I’d talk more. I’ve always felt that I play things on the safe side—I’m an over-thinker and I’ll evaluate a situation from every possible angle before making a move.  I’ve always been so amazed by the risk-taking I see around me, so impressed by the leaps of faith I see other taking. But I guess I’m not only awestruck…sometimes I’m awesome too!

I’m sure there are some people who have unbridled confidence, who don’t second-guess themselves or worry about coming on too strong. I am not one of those people. When faced with a challenge like the three-adjective objective, I immediately start to calculate how much to brag and how much to stay humble. Clearly, I am not perfect. I don’t want to give off the impression that I think I’m the greatest, because that’s not the kind of person I am. At the same time, maybe I’m selling myself short.

What’s so wrong with admitting that I’m adventurous? I've never but able to do it before. But I do think it’s pretty awesome! It shows that I’m passionate…willing to take risks…excited by new prospects…and even hardworking for making my adventures successful. It means that I’ve taken on big projects (personally and professionally) and stretched myself to live up to the challenge. It means that I’ve gained wisdom from unique experiences.

I believe that all of the above is true. But I wouldn’t have really thought to focus on it before. Unfortunately, a lot of our self-concept is developed early on and it can be difficult to shake the impressions that we have of ourselves at an early age. My teachers thought I was shy…so I began to believe I was shy. As soon as it was pointed out to me that I was reluctant to participate in class or exert myself in a group setting, it became that much more difficult for me to shake those tendencies. I don’t blame my educators; they were acknowledging behavior that could have been detrimental to me and I am glad that I have grown out it. Still, I carry around this self-concept in which I am a quiet, non-confrontational person who is afraid to voice my opinion or do “big things.”

And I’m not. I love having meaningful conversation and spreading my newfound insights and perspectives. Give me a topic that I am passionate about and I will NOT be quiet. I  take risks as nonchalantly and see it as just a normal part of life. I seek out opportunities that inspire me; but I’m coming to find out that those same experiences in turn are allowing me to inspire others. It’s as though my passion, my confidence, my adventurousness is contagious. Which makes complete sense—because I caught it from other people too!

Two years ago, my sorority ordered t-shirts for the new school year that have come to be my all-time favorite KD tees. They’re relatively simple—a plain black v-neck with neon pink block letters that spell out “CLASSY SASSY BOLD BEAUTIFUL” followed  by Kappa Delta in silver penmanship. I was as excited as the rest of my sisters to wear them on the first day of classes and feel confident not only to show off my sorority letters, but also to share such an accurate summation of my sisterhood.

I had no shame in representing Kappa Delta that way—it was easy to see the four words as the right ones to describe our sorority. What I seemed to subconsciously do, however, was attribute those adjectives to something I belonged to, not specifically myself. With time, I’ve come to truly believe in their personal truth.

It’s easy to describe the people and things that we love with loving words. It’s easy to speak well of the people we believe in because we can see past all of their little faults and focus in on all of their outstanding qualities. We know they are good people and that they are capable of great things. We have all the faith in the world in them and they don’t necessarily need to prove it to us…we just KNOW.

But do we give ourselves that same credit? Do we always feel comfortable describing ourselves with strong, positive words? Do we focus on our overall value or our relatively inconsequential faults? Do we continue to have confidence in ourselves or to lose faith after one small misstep? 

We’ve heard it a million times—you’re your own worst critic. And that is so incredibly true. I know I’m a victim of the negative, or even merely neutral, thoughts about myself. Yet my friends and family seem to focus on the positive. We give each other that slack, but fail to see the importance of it when it comes to yours truly. I’m challenging myself, therefore, to remember that I am enough. Not only am I enough…I’m a lot more than that! And you are too. I hope you’ll continue to tell yourself.

GIFTED

Each and every one of us is a gift. We mustn’t deprive the world of the gift of our being. 

In many little ways, I deprive the world of my gift every day. I don’t write enough. I don’t speak up enough. I let my opinions go unspoken. I don’t question enough. I continue to do things the way I’ve always done them without asking myself if that’s the best way, or more importantly, if that’s the way I really want to do it. I don’t challenge all of the inconsistencies and injustices I see. Of most importance, I’m simply not always me to the fullest extent I can be. 

In this moment, I do not know all that I am or all that I am capable of being. But my spirit is trying to tell me at every second of every day. Every time I feel excitement, my spirit is trying to guide me, trying to push me in the right direction. But unfortunately I do not always listen. This is a problem that I believe most of us struggle with. We are so preoccupied with finding our way and leading a purposeful life that we often miss so many road signs. We’re conditioned to pick a path and stay on it. But when we do that, we often miss the path that was really meant for us.

When we’re as young as five years old, people ask us “what we want to be when we grow up”— as if we’re supposed to know. Then when we start school people ask us what are favorite subject is—as if we’re meant to have only one. We go to college and we choose a major— as if our life path should then magically fit within the lines of that field. And therefore we worry when it doesn’t. We feel like we somehow failed if what makes us excited isn’t exactly in line with that field of study. It can make us feel like our choice was wrong or that the time and effort we put into it was futile.

All of these insecurities are ones that I have struggled with over the years. But I’m here in Spain, teaching English—which isn’t exactly on the “list” of things to do with my majors—yet I’ve never before felt so genuinely that I was on my path. I want to continue with this excitement. I want to maybe get my teaching certificate. I want to definitely continue to work with Spanish speakers and with children. I’m passionate about it; that’s how I know it’s my path. And I don’t need to know right now how that’s going to manifest itself. I don’t need to know that I’m going to teach bilingual third grade for the rest of my life because hoping for exactly that is simply putting a new set of restrictions on myself. I don’t want to do that.

Instead, I want to focus on the right here and the right now—what excited me today. And tomorrow, I’ll focus on what excites me tomorrow. I’ve been getting frustrated lately because my vision of where I’ll be this summer and what I want to do after that keeps changing. But we should never be frustrated with that. We shouldn’t be mad at ourselves for “not being able to make up our minds.” Because we ARE making up our minds; we’re just making them up differently today than we did yesterday. Why? Because we’re different people today—different things have happened to us; different conversations have been had; different emotions have been felt. If we ignore those shifts in our perspective and our being in order to stick to the path that we chose yesterday (or four years ago) then we are depriving ourselves of our real excitement, our real happiness, our real purpose. And by depriving ourselves we deprive those we love and the whole world around us.

I’ll borrow an analogy from the same source from which my opening line is paraphrased  (and if you’re interested please let me know and I will explain further, but that’s kinda of whole blog post in itself): We are all but pieces in this large jigsaw puzzle we call life. Each of us has a unique shape that is perfectly us— exactly the self we were created to be. Throughout our lives we sometimes stray from that form; we allow ourselves to be transformed by “society,” by belief systems that are not in line with our true values, and by telling ourselves that we want things that we truly do not. Oftentimes, we allow these changes to happen and we are not even aware of them, but we end up being a piece that no longer fits into our slot in the puzzle. 

What we sadly forget is that the form in which we were created was created perfectly. We are meant to be that way because others need us to be. I have a passion to write and a gift to express myself well because someone, somewhere needs me to do that. By being too afraid to write I am not only limiting myself but robbing the world and those specific people who need to read my work. 

And that concept goes for everyone and all of our passions. You don’t need me to give you hypothetical examples. You know what those passions are. You know what things in your life have given you that feeling of excitement. You know what it is that has always left you  wondering what might have happened if you had followed that spark. If you’re still thinking about it now, it’s not too late. The spark is still there and you can act on it. You don’t necessarily have to make some grand gesture or major life change (although if you are so inclined, please do!). Simply find some little way in which you can feed that excitement. See if it grows. You don’t have to know why you’re doing it or how it “fits into” your plan or purpose. Just do it and see how it makes you feel. My guess is that it will make you more excited and introduce you to new options and new things that offer excitement as well.

What I’m learning during my time here in Granada is not merely how to adapt to a different culture or how to effectively teach the English language. The most important things that I’m learning are how to listen to my spirit and how to follow my path down all the little, winding roads that present themselves. I’m not doing it “perfectly” and, as I said, there are still many times in which I’m not being my fullest self. But now I’m aware of that and that consciousness is always the first step.  

From now on, I’m going to focus on being my puzzle piece. I’m going to focus on recognizing that shape and embodying it fully. It may be difficult. It may be scary. But I can already see that it’s worth it. I am a gift. I am a gift that the world needs. And so are you.  

DANCE

It’s been quite a bit of time since my last post. I could tell you it’s because I’ve been super-busy (and that’s half true) but I think the more honest reason is that I’ve been a little ashamed and a little upset with myself. I feel like in the past month, I’ve started freaking out again about “next year”— where I’m gonna live, what I’m gonna do, and why I’m gonna do it. Realizing that deadlines for some options were fast approaching, I began to convince myself that I had to make a decision; I had to know now. As you can imagine, that only made me less certain and more stressed. 

            So this past month has felt like the opposite of the positive development I’ve made in the previous months. Instead of being at peace with the unknown and the undecided, I’ve been constantly worrying about it and making myself anxious again. Instead of finding calmness and insight in my meditations, I’ve found my mind teeming with activity that prevents me from the tranquility I was able to find only a few short weeks ago. And then I judged that. I looked at the sincere acceptance of where I was with things a month ago, compared it to now, and I felt like I “messed up” somewhere. 

I felt like I had undone all the progress I had made. And then I didn’t want to share any of it because it made me feel like a hypocrite and a phony. How could I have made all these self-discoveries and inculcated these new open-minded perspectives into my life if, in the end, I regressed back to my original insecurities and doubts? How could I have really made myself any better if, without even realizing it, I had slipped back into the exact same place?

After some time in which I was sure I had “nothing to write” that was worthy of my blog, I realized that writing about this was the  right next step. I started this blog to help me address some of my fears, yet here I was not writing because of fear. Because of insecurity, because of vulnerability, because of the possibility of giving you an impression of which I wasn’t proud. But once I recognized that all, I started to see it differently. 

Before, I was feeling like I had regressed. I was feeling like the point I’m at now would “let people down.” But I don’t feel that way anymore. I can’t tell you that I’m not still anxious about next year. I can’t tell you that I’m not still thinking about the possibilities everyday and researching when I can.  But what I can tell you is that there’s nothing wrong with that. Because here’s the thing—I haven’t undone anything. Sure, maybe I’ve taken a step back from where I felt I was in December, but that’s one step in the grand scheme of my life. And, cliché or not, I’ve realized recently that life isn’t a race. We’re not on this one track in which we’re only expected and allowed to move forward. Life is more of a dance— whose beauty is in the movements, the steps forward and back, side to side. There isn’t a clear start and finish point that has to be reached. Instead, there’s plenty of room on the dance floor to move as we please. 

My original plan with this blog was to justify my one step backward with the assertion that “as long as it’s two-steps-forward-to-one-step-back then it’s fine because I’m still moving forward”. But I don’t know that I truly feel that way anymore. Because what really makes “forward” so great? “Forward” is only right when you know that what you want in life is straight ahead of you. And, at least personally, that isn’t always the case. No, I usually don’t know what I want next in life…but I often find it in those side steps and even the backward ones. There’s beauty in all of the steps. And none of them need to be justified. 

I write this post mostly as a reminder to myself, because at the end of the day the person who is most critical of my path is me. The expectations and reactions I fear are those of which I have created for myself; I know that in reality my life is filled with Dani-supporters, not Dani-critics. So instead of worrying about the reactions to my “hippy-dippy” life-is-a-dance metaphor, I’m not gonna elaborate anymore. I’m not gonna introduce counter-arguments and address them, as I tend to do, in order to admit my reasoning may have flaws and that there are different perspectives. I know that; you know that. But I am drawing comfort from this perspective and I am embracing it.  I invite you to do the same. I invite you to dance with me.