ALIVE

This past Sunday, I woke up at 3:45am to catch a bus that would take me to a wonderful little beachtown 4.5 hours away from San José. According to everyone I talk to in Costa Rica, Puerto Viejo doesn’t hold a candle to the beaches in Guanacaste or Puntarenas but, in my opinion, it was a breathtaking, perfect paradise.  

To be honest with you, I spent the last week of my life in a financial freak-out. Although nothing had drastically changed, I finally took the time to update my spending log, actually pay attention to my dwindling bank account, and consider my measly paychecks. Then I did a preliminary flight search and was overwhelmed to find that a plane ticket to come back in January will be substantially more costly than it was in September. I suppose it makes sense—Americans are far more likely to want to get away in the middle of winter than in the early fall—I just hadn’t considered it before. So, taking that into account, atop other psychological unrest I’ve been feeling lately, I decided it was time to go to the beach.

That may not sound like the most logical solution to some of you. But, for me, I knew nothing else would fix everything the way that sunshine and salt water would. I really needed some time to myself—to clear my mind, to recharge, and to really think about what I’m doing here in Costa Rica and if I truly should buy my plane ticket back. Up until this week, I had really never considered otherwise. My life planning still happens in terms of “school years”—last year I was in Granada, this year I’m in Costa Rica— so that was simply settled through June.  And it totally would have remained that way if I wasn’t leaving for the holidays. 

Because I’m not in a dire situation; I make enough to get by and I’m sincerely happy with the academy I work at and with the family I have found here (which makes my living expenses incredibly more affordable). However, I have no expendable income. I barely ever travel (because of money and schedules), so I’m not really exploring the beautiful country I live in. And there’s a nagging voice in my head that constantly compares my life here to what it was in Granada— where I made much more money for much less work, had an incredibly better work schedule allowing for plenty of time to travel, and the cost of living was magically low. All that considered, I think it would be a rather economically irresponsible choice to buy a plane ticket back.

So, if you know me, I think it’s rather obvious what comes next… I’m gonna buy another ticket. Not because all those things don’t matter, but because other things matter more. What matters most is the way I felt on Monday… 

I had decided to stay at a yoga hotel (that was part of the reason I chose Puerto Viejo for my retreat in the first place) so my Monday morning kicked off with an hour and half yoga class, my first (non-You-tube) class ever! I didn’t even realize it was that long until I got back to my room and checked my phone. Lately, I haven’t even been able to get through a 45 minute video without quitting but there—in that environment, with real people practicing alongside me—it wasn’t difficult at all. 

Then I hit the beach! Unlike the day before, I didn’t fool around with the crowded touristy area to the right of my hotel but instead took off to the black sand beaches on the left. I had decided to walk and walk and walk till I didn’t want to anymore, then settle down on a nice patch of secluded sand. And I did just that! I walked for about 40 minutes and there was still endless shoreline to travel but I decided to lie down already and fully take advantage of the sun while it was high in the sky. 

My spot was perfect. I had walked so far that it was turning into less-black sand again, but there was not another soul in sight and I felt positively wonderful about that. During my two days in Puerto Viejo, I couldn’t stop thinking of one of my Pinterest quotes: “When you feel like quitting, think about why you started.” I knew that I was taking a little get-away to have some quiet time and really think things through, but I hadn’t given much thought to how much those days would serve as a reminder of why I started, why I came to Costa Rica in the first place.

It was never about the money. It was never about the certainty. And it was about the teaching, but it also wasn’t about sitting in my room in Coronado and not taking advantage of the fact that I’m in a beautiful country that has a lot to offer. So what if the trip was extra money spent when I was so worried about finances? Those two days aren’t gonna break the bank and the invaluable part—the reason why travel is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer—is how I felt on that beach.

Because being there, alone on the beach in a corner of the Earth I have never explored before, in a country I had never imagined traveling to until recently, playing in the breaking waves and laughing—truly laughing to myself—I had never before felt so alive.

I never realized how involuntary the laughter is. Sure, I’ve played in the ocean plenty of times before, but there have always been other people around, so I guess I always attributed the laughter to that. When you’re jumping up and down alongside someone, the shared laughter seems like the polite thing to do; it’s more an agreed upon way of acknowledging that you’re enjoying yourself and the experience you’re sharing. Without anyone else there to be on the receiving end of my giggling, I didn’t expect there to be any. But there was. It came so naturally, I was almost caught off-guard as the chuckles escaped my lips. And you would think you’d feel a little stupid standing in the ocean, laughing at yourself. But I didn’t at all! For one of the first times in my life, I was experiencing something beautiful and true and important and there wasn’t anyone else around to share, judge, or tarnish that. 

It was magical…and empowering. Because I can’t remember the last time a moment felt completely and utterly FOR ME. I was the creator, the actor, and the audience…and the only one. I always thought it would feel very lonely to travel alone and not have anyone to share the memories with (and I still think it’s something I would struggle with if the travel was for an extended amount of time), but during those couple of days it felt so freeing not to have to share, not to have to consider anyone else’s feelings, not to have to tell anyone of my plans. Because of my lack of phone service, there was not a person in the world who knew where I was for sure... and that felt so right. 

I was Dani: girl off in the world on her own, with no direction home, like the sweet unknown; genuine free spirit and traveler.  THAT is me!! That is when I feel at my truest; that is what it’s all about. Because my wish last year for my 23^rd birthday was to feel 22 forever. And not just because T-Swift’s song is catchy, but because 22 was an incredible year for me—filled with new insights, passion, curiosity, and wonder—and I never want to let go of that! I always want to feel that inspired and that connected with my true self and I want to always trust my path the way I did when I was 22.

And this weekend I felt that way again, after a long time of not feeling it (okay, by a “long time” I’m talking a matter of about 5 months, but the point is significant nonetheless). It’s amazing what the ocean can do for me. Seriously, my heart just sings when it can hear those waves. And my lungs breathe happily when they’re taking in ocean air. My body radiates when it’s covered in a light layer of salt and sand. And my lips can’t help but form a smile when I’m in my place! Regardless of what body of water I’m wading into, whether or not I’ve ever been to that specific place before, when I’m sitting on the beach, I am home—wholeheartedly, spiritually, physically, emotionally I AM HOME. And I’m grateful to be cognizant of that.

So, I’m grateful to myself for understanding want I needed and taking the trip last weekend. It truly put things into perspective and helped me evaluate from a calmer angle. Everything is going to be okay.  As long as I am able to live and work here in a way that I am passionate about, that is reason enough to invest in this endeavor. I didn’t put pressure on myself to have the money upfront when I bought my ticket to Spain and yet I came home with a little extra that more than covered that start-up cost. Things will work themselves out in the end.

I’ve already talked with a handful of people about other options and friends have suggested teaching on-line and freelance writing options that would be incredibly helpful and doable. And a number of those opportunities truly presented themselves; it didn’t even feel like I had to look for them. That is called manifestation. That is the power of me putting out the energy of my true desires and the universe providing me with solutions. I used to feel “lucky” that that happened but now I understand that it is not mere luck. It is something I have been dedicating myself to through my life choices and therefore I am worthy of the results. 

Listening to your heart and following your passions isn’t always “smart” or “responsible” but I truly believe that it can still be successful. I can make it work because what I want is aligned with my true self and my true purpose and what God (or life source or universe or whatever you wish to call it) wouldn’t want to help me with that? I’m feeling at peace. I’m feeling impassioned. I’m feeling worthy. And I’m feeling alive.